Supermarket Flowers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIB8EWqCPrQ

I don’t know why I love this song. I don’t know why it means so much to me honestly.

I think because it’s not just a basic Ed Sheeran song. It’s one with feeling and true meaning behind the words.

Whenever I listen to this song though, I only think about my mom. My sweet sweet mom. She’s a trooper honestly.

This song basically talks all about a mom and what she does for her children. And I think it perfectly defines my mom. She’s a freakin superstar and I am so blessed that I was given a mom who is so persistent on helping me with my problems and so passionate in everything she does. She does absolutely everything for her family and is so devoted to making me and my siblings happy.

She is so selfless.

Another reason why I think I am so close to this song is because it talks about eventually when his mom is going to go to heaven. And that scares the crap out of me. Because, when it is eventually my mom’s time, I will be an orphan.

Although I do have my stepdad, it is still so different. The simple idea of being separated from my mom gives me anxiety. But I think that is understandable for anybody. For some reason, just a mom’s hug can make you feel better than anything in the world. Supposedly it’s psychological??? I’m not sure.

It stinks that I haven’t seen my mom in nearly a month. I miss her so much.

But I remind myself that in less than 3 weeks, she will be here, ready to give me the biggest hug and to take me home.

Rainbow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSEnvguvuK0

As I always say, music is the key to my heart. It’s what keeps me sane and honestly keeps me together. But also, it’s what can break me.

I know music from all different genres and if you were to ask any of my friends… they would agree that you won’t find Abbey Barkley not listening to music.

I 100% believe it is because it is what connects me to my dad. Music was his thing, and I am so grateful that he passed down that love to me.

Rainbow is a new song that Kasey Musgraves came out with on her new album recently, and the words and just the overall mood of the song makes it one of my new favorite songs.

Recently when I have been crying or just needing to calm down, this song is what I first listen to. In my perspective, I think it focuses on just passing the storm. That the storm is over. And I hope that in my life, that storm will soon pass.

I like to think that I am a person who emits energy and overall happiness and I think that this song defines who I am. I have my dark days and the days that I truly do not want to get out of bed, but eventually, I get up and I move on.

I have been blessed with such an amazing support system and am so thankful. But sometimes, I think just being with yourself and truly just crying for once is such a good stress reliever. I am definitely a people person. When I am crying, I go to people for help. But sometimes, I just lay in bed crying to myself.

This song gives me hope that this storm in my life will pass.

Rant

This year has been one where I am unsure of every choice I make.

I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t talk about this on my blog cause I didn’t want to make such a big deal of it that it had to be something written on a blog, out in the complete public. But it has been tearing me up.

Being 6 1/2 hours away from home is hard. Being away from my family is hard. Being a 5 1/2 hour drive away from my boyfriend is hard. And most of the time, I cry about it.

I want to be closer to home. Don’t get me wrong. I love Oklahoma. I love all of the friends that I have met here and I adore Kappa. I love this campus and I love getting to represent my Sooners.

But I feel as though I am not complete here. At any college, there is loneliness, but sometimes I feel like here it is multiplied to an extreme.

I applied to Texas A&M in February and 2 weeks ago, I got in! I got into a school that I truly never knew I loved til this year. My boyfriend goes there and 3 of my best friends in the entire world are there. My people. The people I have grown up with are all there.

I am so unsure of what the right decision for me is. I have a plan here… for my education and I know exactly what I am supposed to do here. But at A&M, there are so many unanswered questions that I am truly so unsure of. Where will I live? What friend group will I be in? Am I only wanting to transfer because I have a boyfriend there?? Obviously Preston, my boyfriend, is such a huge factor, but truly, I think I just want to be closer to home.

A&M is an hour and a half drive away from my house. Isn’t that nuts? That is so close to home. And I truly think that one reason I want to go closer to home is because of my brother.

My brother is my world and I would do absolutely anything to make that boy happy. I want to be there to go to his lacrosse games and as he is about to enter high school, I want to be there for him. My sister and I are gone and he is all alone there… I want to be there.

I am still so unsure of my decision. Every day the decision ways heavy on my heart. One day I have decided to transfer and another I tell myself that I need to stay here.

I just hope that there will be something that will 100% give me confidence in where I am going.

Female

I would never label myself a feminist, and before anyone yells at me for saying such a thing, I’ll explain what I mean. I am not all radical feminist claiming that all men should die, but I do believe in many things that feminists do.

I believe in equal pay. I believe in equal rights. And I especially believe that no man has the right to tell me what to do with my body. IT IS MY BODY AND IT IS MY RULES.

Furthermore, I believe that no matter what… what a woman wears and how a woman acts should absolutely not be any signal for a man to come over and act like a douche and try to do something that is so incredibly appropriate. Whether that is rape or just simply making the woman uncomfortable.

There are so many false stereotypes in this world that men have created and I do absolutely hate that. That if a woman is dressed a certain way or is possibly flirting that they want you RIGHT NOW.

I believe that woman are not the weaker sex. We push babies out of us for Pete’s sake! Our emotions define us and make us who we are. We are tough. Although we cry more than most guys, that proves nothing. I know that I am in fact a hell of a lot stronger than most guys… especially with the adversities that I have faced in my life.

I grew up in a bubble in Houston, Texas know as Memorial where everyone is extremely conservative. So, as expected, I was as well. But, hearing everything going on in the world right now and everything about how woman do deserve the right to be heard and deserve the right to be treated equal… how can I not stand up for my own sex?? How could I possibly just sit aside while all of these fallacies that men have created harm woman after woman.

I am done sitting around. I will stand up for woman.

3 weeks

In literally less than 3 weeks I will be done with my freshman year of college. LESS THAN 3 WEEKS. Seriously I do not believe it. This is insane to me. I remember when I was so little and imagining all of those people in college… I never thought that I would actually be one of them. Those people were so old!

But, in less than 3 weeks, I will be back in Houston for the summer, and I will technically be a sophomore  in college. THAT’S NUTS. And honestly, it scares the crap out of me. That means I am literally one step closer to being out in the real world on my own trying to figure out what I want to do in my life. That means that I am one step closer to settling down with a man and having kids and beginning that part of my life.

It is just so weird to see where I have come not only in the past year but in the past 10. To be in college and to be figuring out my life is just so weird to me. I am no longer a kid, and that is something that I will truly miss so much.

I will never be as care-free as I was when I was 6 years old and I will never get to do simple math equations again. I will never get to be in elementary school or middle school again. For some reason I am ironically nostalgic about all of this. I am going to miss all of that so much because that was my innocence. I am so close to being in the real world and I definitely feel as though I am not ready for that whatsoever.

I used to have a plan as to what I wanted to do with my life, but in the first 2 semesters of college alone, I have changed a major and completely changed my outlook on life and what I want to do with it.

This year has taught me so much, but I cannot wait, because in 3 weeks I get to be home.

You Had Me From Hello

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUbxBCmCrMk

You Had Me From Hello. This was my parent’s song.

Gosh, if I could ever have the love that they had, I could die happy. They were my idols, and my opinion, the perfect definition of love.

My mom is caring and compassionate and over-loving, but also stubborn and a little loopy. She is truly one of the strongest woman that I have ever met in my life and I am blessed every single day for having the opportunity to be her daughter. She has been through hell and back and her life and has come out stronger and wiser than ever. Although she doesn’t show it sometimes, she is a hell of a woman. She tries to stay in the background and spoils my siblings and I rotten. She is the definition of a woman of God.

And my dad, what a man. Although he passed away 9 years ago. He was a f***ing amazing man. He was the go-to guy that everyone came to. He could fix anything that was put in front of him. He loved his motorcycles, loved his wife, and absolutely adored his kids. He was the fun parent, as most dads are. He loved to take us to get ice cream, give us Oreos for breakfast (which when I was little was the  craziest thing in the world), and loved to take us to as many theme parks and rodeos and adventurous events as possible.

Together, they defined the best people to me. They were both head-strong, but they made things work and were such great people and such great role models to my siblings and me.

It sucks sometimes cause I no longer get to see that love and haven’t for awhile, I know that my mom will always love my dad and that is what continues me to fight for the one’s I love.

I miss my dad everyday, but he is alive in me and my sister and my brother and even my mom.

I Can Only Imagine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_lrrq_opng

“I Can Only Imagine” has been a song that has literally stuck with me since I was 9 years old.

The reason is that this song was sung at my dad’s funeral when I was 9 years old. This song is what I associate most with my dad. Surprisingly it’s not “Rag Doll” by Aerosmith or “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC, but this song. Hearing this song at my dad’s funeral was the only thing that I remember from that day. I remember being haunted by this song because it was the last time that I felt/saw my dad, truly.

It kills me that that’s how it is. That is has been 9 years since I have laid a hand on my dad or hugged my dad. God, do I miss him.

This song makes me feel so close to him though. Whenever it comes on, chills go up my spine and I feel my heart stop… and I honestly believe it’s because my dad is there with me when I listen to it. I know that he is always with me, no matter what, but this is when I truly believe and I truly feel it.

I was his girl, he was my entire world and I absolutely adored that man. So I often play that song just to feel something in correlation with me. It scares the hell out of me that I will never get to hear his voice again and that he will not be at my wedding or my college graduation. I would KILL to have him at all of these things. But he isn’t here. And I hate that, every single day I am mad at God for that.

I have forgiven God for letting my dad go, but I can never ultimately forget that he decided to do it to my little brother. He was 5. I don’t understand that. A little boy needs his dad to teach him the ropes of things, and Joey was surrounded by 3 girls who really didn’t know how to deal with a little boy.

I still question God for this, but now I realize that it has made me the person that I am today. I am a stronger person and a more relatable person for having gone through this tragedy.

And truly, I can only imagine the fun my dad and I will have once we are in heaven together.

Pro Life?

Today Trump’s Administration Officials pushed abstinence for women’s health programs… meaning that the US is a pro life nation.

Honestly, I do not know where I stand on this, on the entire debate of whether I am pro life or pro choice. Since I was little, I have been raised in a Presbyterian church that was pro life and that claimed that no matter what, no matter the second after you are impregnated… there is a baby inside of you. You are killing a living thing… basically murdering a living thing if you get an abortion.

But still… I am unsure of where I stand. Politically, I economically agree with Republicans, but socially, I am Democratic. I live in a generation where most people lean to the left and are very open about their opinions. As well, I am currently in college where a lot more people are leaning to the left. It is difficult sometimes because I do agree most of the time, but other times I just want to walk out of the classroom.

Sadly, I do not know enough about politics to have a real stance. I was raised Republican and I was raised in an area of Houston where if you were not Republican, you were wrong.

But, in the debate for pro life and pro choice… I am so unsure of where I stand… so here is my opinion on the issue.

I do believe that the moment you become pregnant, you have a living being… YOUR living being inside of you, and to kill it can truly ruin your life. I have seen many studies that do show that getting an abortion can psychologically ruin you and lead to depression and just overall a terrible outlook on life. So, that is where I am on pro choice.

But, in regards to pro choice. I believe that no matter what, it is your body, it is your right. Say you were raped or are in college, if I am being completely honest, I would not want a baby with someone who raped me and I am definitely not ready for baby right now while in the middle of college. No matter what, it is your choice.

And for someone like Trump, a man who truly does not understand getting an abortion and will never have to go through the process of having a baby, to make such a huge choice is not okay.

Every woman has the right to choose how she wants to deal with becoming pregnant and gets to decide what to do.

Patience

This year has been a true trial for my faith in Jesus. Ever since I was little, I was a devoted Christian– going to church almost every weekend, constantly doing my devotionals and just overall being on fire for Him.

But, this past year at OU, I have experienced so many trials that have overall just made me distance myself. As well, I have had such a hard time finding the right church for me.

In Houston, I was surrounded by a community that truly encouraged me to dive deeper into my relationship with Jesus and here, I feel as though I have been so focused on finding friends and being truly active with them and finding where I belong.

Although I do still read my Bible as much as possible, I just feel disconnected. College is such a weird place and truly, I have never felt more challenged in my life to keep up my faith as well as find a place where I belong.

However, I am so thankful because I have found people within Kappa that truly have the same eagerness to grow their faith and be able to depend on Jesus as we go through this experience that truly comes with so many trials,ls.

College is hard. I’ve honestly felt more feelings during this past year then ever before. But, not all of them have been negative. I have experienced so much joy and have found friends that I know will last a lifetime. I am so thankful for college as it has truly made me cling onto the Lord more than ever before.

People

I am a people person, hands down. I love talking to people, I love being around people, I mean, even my major has to do with people.

This year has definitely been a challenge for me in accepting that I am now in a different state than my family and my boyfriend and that that I had to get out of my comfort zone. But it has become so apparent to me that I have met some people that I am going to keep around forever.

It being my birthday on Saturday, everyone was hugging me and talking to me and I truly adored it. I loved the attention I was getting and I didn’t realize till then how many people’s lives I was a part of. Not only in my sorority, but at OU, and even beyond that at all different schools.

Usually I make my birthday all about me and just bask in the fact that all of the attention is on me. But, this year, I took a step back and truly was just so honored to have such amazing people surrounding me and truly giving me so much love.

I feel as though I am so undeserving of any of that love, I am not a significant person on the planet whatsoever. I am no genius, I am no philanthropist… but, somehow I was lucky enough to be blessed with some of the most amazing and kind hearted people that I have ever met in my life.

And to bonus it off, my sweet sweet boyfriend got to come in from Texas A&M and it was truly the best thing in the world.

I am so incredibly blessed and am so thankful for what I have been given.